Recently my husband and I found ourselves sitting in church, enjoying the gentle tug that the worship has had on our souls the past few times we've been. They were playing my favorite song and the soft lilt of the singer's voice soothed the aches found within the folds of my heart...the places I've hidden so I can bring them out and use them as excuses at my own inclination. Our pastor interrupted the song...he felt that God was leading him to give us the opportunity to open ourselves and allow God to reach in and take something we needed to let go of. My first thought; I'm fine, nothing to let go of here... Then God, quite vividly, showed me something very specific and revealing. Something that I hid so well that I almost didn't realize it was there, or just never recognized its origin.
My vision: We had just returned home from Dakota's funeral in Houston. We decided to go to church, despite our fragility. I remembered standing in the congregation and listening to worship, but completely incapable of participating. Not just because I was distraught, but I had no praise in me for the moment. Breath was slowly escaping me and I was struggling with filling my lungs. I spent most of the service with my face buried within the safety of the space between my husbands neck and shoulder. I heard the words in the songs and the sermon of God's love, power, and joy...but I couldn't reconcile what I was hearing with what I was feeling. Something very small and huge happened in those moments. Bitterness was planted. It was like a sharpie that left a tiny dot on a white t-shirt. It started so small, but grew into a very discernible stain. I wasn't so much angry at God as much as the world. I was disillusioned; reality robbed my family of an innocence I hoped would linger a bit longer.
God showed me the day bitterness found a home in my heart. He showed me how easily I welcomed it. I guess it's easier to slip into a hole than it is to build a bridge over it. God whispered, "That's what I want to take from you. Will you give it to me?" With a ragged breath I allowed God to pull it from the very air I was exhaling. If I'm going to be totally transparent, I had been feeling the bitterness grow... I talked to Josh about how I needed to do something, that I needed to change the ways I was seeing, hearing, and remembering. I just couldn't let go of the bitterness though. I would say that it had its claws in me, but I think it was the other way around. I had my own fingers rooted in bitterness. It's kind of like when someone finds comfort in their sadness or in their anger, and letting it go becomes entirely too foreign.
Some would say, "Don't lose faith." I haven't. Others would say, "God gives the strongest the most." I say that's a lie... God isn't cruel. And there are some who say, "It'll be ok." And I say...no it won't. The thing is, that's ok...that it's not ok. It's where I am, and it's where my family is. This is a place of honesty and truth, and it's a place to start.
So, I will let go of this bitterness that I have entrapped in my fingers. Although the remnants may take time to clean out from beneath my fingernails.
I do feel I must add though: Faith and hope are not lost. God doesn't give the strongest the biggest hurdles...He just doesn't work that way, so please don't say that. And finally, IT may never be ok...but some day, we will be.
