One

I know this man...mio marito...mio cuore (my husband...my heart).  The fibers of our souls are stitched together.  I know this because when we are separated, I can feel the gentle thread stretching and the strain on the seams.  Our love is not perfect, there is only one love that can withstand that title, but our love is precious in it's imperfections.  I could say that we know each other in the fullest, but that would be a farce.  We will discover one another every year we walk along our path...we will see more of the hidden, more of the light and dark.  This is where the amazing imperfection comes to find it's beauty...we will still love one another.  We will never unravel our fingers from the hand of the other.  We will stand firm in what we saw in our innocence...in the very beginning.  That he fills in where I lack and I do the same for him.  Then there are places where neither of us can fill the gap and God makes His home there.

One day we will look back at the tattered map that reveals every step, every dance, every word, every misgiving and every forgiveness.  This map will teach our children what it looks like to walk the road to the "Oneness" that God promises us.  You don't just become One when the ring slides smoothly into the crook of your finger.  That takes years...learning and growing never comes on a straight and un-littered path.  I can't wait to be old and wrinkly, staring into my husband's eyes...remembering when each line in time appeared in the corners of them.  Looking back and thinking, "how did all of life happen in such a short time" because time is relative - and it will be hard to grasp where it all went and how we managed.  We will laugh at the ridiculous and share in sorrows that we carried one another through.  We will know what God meant when He said that we would become One Flesh.  We will feel each others' pain and we will relish in each others' joy...because it will be our own.

"Love is like some fresh spring, first a stream and then a river, changing its aspect and its nature as 
it flows to plunge itself in some boundless ocean, where restricted natures only find monotony, but where great souls are engulfed in endless contemplation."...Honore' De Balzac

Love's Letter to Hate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7xUZkKd58c
               (The Ballad of Love and Hate...Avett Brothers)

I love this song by the Avett Brothers.  It's interesting to ponder the relationship that Love has with Hate.  Love is writing to Hate, saying she's coming back and can't wait to see him.  There's a part where they talk about Love flying above and the feeling one gets from her and when she comes down...then they talk about Hate meeting strangers on the street and greeting each one.  Love spreads a feeling of joy and hope and starts relationships with those she comes in contact with.  Hate weedles into those who pass by and moves on...

What I love most is where Love finally sees Hate and offers nothing but forgiveness and herself.  Hate is angry and drunk, but when he sees Love, he falls at her feet.  It's interesting...Love and Hate run parallel to one another, they're just going in opposite directions.

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Love is waiting for Hate to turn around and come back to her, so she can embrace him and give him hope.

Have you ever thought about how limited our perception of Love actually is.  We judge the level of Love that God has for us based on our own experiences...and frankly our own experiences of love are severely meager in comparison to the Love that is greater...the Love that created...the Love that died and overcame.  Real love brings hope and healing.  Real love is something that would bring tears to your eyes, merely because of it's beauty and the thought of losing it is devastating.

I once heard a speaker from XXX Church say, "You can't blame the dark for being dark when no one is willing to shine some light in the room."  So can you blame the hateful for being hateful when no one has been willing to love them?

It's a Part of Living In the Fish Bowl

It's interesting, life...I'm good at forgiveness, right?  Then the world offers up new and different opportunities, and I find myself almost refusing to do so.  Our hearts are fickle things.  We know the right thing to do and we do it...or we "say" that we do it, but do we own it and possess the truth of it?  That is the struggle, right?  I know what is said, "to grow and move on, you must forgive.  Forgiving is for you, not the one who has harmed you...it's letting go, so they no longer have power over you."  What is this strange desire we sometimes have to dwell and linger in our pain?  Is it the feeling of entitlement?  The chance to hone your ability to point your finger, releasing yourself of any and all responsibility?  Or do we think that we do not deserve the chance to live without burden or blame?  It's funny, the real answer is to drop all of these rediculous ponderings and delegations of guilt.  The finger should never be pointed at one person...in fact, finger pointing is rude...isn't that what we were always told?  The point isn't about placing blame or having the one who "is at fault" to suffer the consequences, it's about learning, growing and loving.  All three of these things, in it of itself, is challenging.  But doing so reaps rewards of magnitudes unknown.  If it was easy to do, where would the reward be?  I'm gonna go back to the quote about what we've all heard that forgiveness is about...but just one part, "Forgiveness is for you, not the one who has harmed you, it's letting go so they no longer have power over you."  This is true, but there's something to remember...forgiveness IS for them too.  I'd like to think my act of forgiving is just for me, so I can move on and live a happy life...never having to think about what happened ever again.  But is that truly forgiving?  Aren't I to put others above myself?  Don't I have to be last to be first?  DANG that is hard!!!!  I'm only being honest...I'm no saint and neither is anyone else.  Are the saints really saints or are they just real people with real problems that had their journey written in the Bible?  They didn't always do the right thing, but they loved God through it.  They didn't have relationships figured out, but they tried and with humility.  They were real and God chose them.  We are all a part of the book of life and God is our audience...what will the reveiws sound like?  When God turns the last page of my memoir of my life here on earth, will He say, "Why couldn't you do for them, what I did for you?" or will He say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant?"  This is my choice after all...to choose what I want to hear from the only critic that matters.  I am, after all, just another fish in the bowl desperate to see the ocean....

I actually wrote this a while ago...I found myself looking back and realizing where I was and where I am now.  I still feel like all of what I said is true and real, but I'm finding myself slightly on the other side.  I feel like I left out a very important part in the saga of forgiveness...you can't force it.  Yes, we should do it, for all parties involved, but you can't try to make it happen too soon.  You have to go through the process and forgiveness is part of the process of healing.  It's the part that transforms you from the survivor to the overcomer.  It's integral, but it is a process.  We'll all be a victim of something, then we will survive and we will overcome.  I'm still in the fish bowl and I long for the ocean, but I'm no longer desperate.

Ladies...

So, the other day I was on Pinterest, yes I love Pinterest and I am not ashamed :), anyways...someone had pinned a picture of a woman in a bikini who was over weight.  Let me first make a point in telling you that she looked phenomenal...I don't know how much she weighed...she looked fantastic.  The comments following this pin gave huge insight into the world that we females have created for ourselves.  One comment talks about how her weight isn't healthy, another calls her a "real woman", the following comment is of a woman who is offended by the "real woman" comment.  This ridiculous stream went on forever.  I don't think one of those women ever thought once that the woman in the picture may possibly see what they have said.  OR that the woman who posted this picture was over weight herself and felt encouraged by someone who was happy with their body.  They never thought about how they may make that woman feel.  What are we arguing about?!  Why couldn't it have just been a picture of a beautiful woman albeit her weight?  This picture had nothing to do with comparison, it was about the freedom of being not only comfortable in your own skin, but beautiful in it.  Why do we do this to each other?  And its not just the weight thing...its EVERYTHING.  She's a working mom...she's a stay-at-home mom.  Let me say, I have been both of these and both come with their own insecurities.  The working mom struggles with not staying at home and the stay-at-home mom struggles with the fact that she isn't bringing anything in monetarily or living up to the "modern woman" standard.  This may be a generalization, but I think you get my point.  We are already our own worst enemies...do we really need to be that for each other also?  Can I just say, where ever you are, it's ok...unless it's not, then you should make a change.  If your unhappy, scratch that, unfulfilled/dissatisfied/discontent then maybe something needs to give.  But if life circumstances or some shrewd decision making along with the idea of "hey I wanna be there" put you where you are and you are doing the best with what you got, then you are doing what you need to right where you need to be.  So, my first point here is,  give yourself a break...be confident...and STOP COMPARING YOURSELF!!!  Second point...Ladies!!!  LAY OFF ONE ANOTHER, WILL YA!!!!

Mom #1 sends her child to public school, Mom #2 to private school, Mom #3 home-schools her children.  Guess what, they all love their children and they are all trying to give their children the best they can and they all came to these educational decisions for many different reasons.  Why can't we just be ok with that?

We should be lifting one another up, not belittling or insulting the other to make us feel like we are doing the "right" thing because "they" aren't.  Who's to say that my "right" thing is your "right" thing.  We may not be saying some of these negative things to the person's face, but are we saying it to someone?  If it's coming out of our mouths, period, we are perpetuating the problem.  It just makes me so sad to see the lack of support.  Life isn't about whose got "it" and who doesn't.  It's about relationships and what we make of them.  We can't walk around with our insecurities leading us.  We should be walking around saying, "This is who I am, it just is."  Then we should be going straight up to another woman and say, "You are beautiful and you are doing your best.  Good job!"

Strength vs. Fragility

Strength vs. Fragility...

Throughout my lifetime I have thought of myself as a strong person.  I thought I was strong due to my life experiences, traumas and challenges.  I really thought that nothing could really break me...maybe I would struggle, but not completely fall apart.  I found that what I thought was strength was merely an illusion.  Life caught up and I found myself broken...again, but more so.  I was grasping at the pieces that were surrounding me, desperate to put them back together.  Come to find out, you can't put them back the way they were...sometimes the pieces change shape and you have to make something new.  It's discovering what new is and what is it supposed to look like.  Time has passed and I've finally grasped who I am...who I've become, and I'm in a good place.  So, I asked my husband what he thought of me...and his response, "You're still fragile".  So here it is..."strength" is relative and "fragility" is reality.  Life is fragile, moods are fragile...relationships are fragile.  All of these can be broken fairly easily.  We were never meant to be completely independent when it came to strength, or anything of this world for that matter.  We were meant to rely on His strength.  It's a freedom that I welcome...I don't have to be the strong one, I don't have to have all of the answers, I don't have to always say the "right" thing.  I just have to trust that whatever happens, it's redeemable.  This freedom does come with a price.  You have to be ok with being vulnerable.  You wanna know something?  We are all vulnerable; we are all fragile.  Just because we put on a good face and convince ourselves and those around us otherwise, doesn't make it true.  We will break, but we will also be put back together.  We will be hurt, but we will be healed.  We will struggle, but we will also learn.  We will change and we will never be the same...and that's ok.