It's interesting, life...I'm good at forgiveness, right? Then the world offers up new and different opportunities, and I find myself almost refusing to do so. Our hearts are fickle things. We know the right thing to do and we do it...or we "say" that we do it, but do we own it and possess the truth of it? That is the struggle, right? I know what is said, "to grow and move on, you must forgive. Forgiving is for you, not the one who has harmed you...it's letting go, so they no longer have power over you." What is this strange desire we sometimes have to dwell and linger in our pain? Is it the feeling of entitlement? The chance to hone your ability to point your finger, releasing yourself of any and all responsibility? Or do we think that we do not deserve the chance to live without burden or blame? It's funny, the real answer is to drop all of these rediculous ponderings and delegations of guilt. The finger should never be pointed at one person...in fact, finger pointing is rude...isn't that what we were always told? The point isn't about placing blame or having the one who "is at fault" to suffer the consequences, it's about learning, growing and loving. All three of these things, in it of itself, is challenging. But doing so reaps rewards of magnitudes unknown. If it was easy to do, where would the reward be? I'm gonna go back to the quote about what we've all heard that forgiveness is about...but just one part, "Forgiveness is for you, not the one who has harmed you, it's letting go so they no longer have power over you." This is true, but there's something to remember...forgiveness IS for them too. I'd like to think my act of forgiving is just for me, so I can move on and live a happy life...never having to think about what happened ever again. But is that truly forgiving? Aren't I to put others above myself? Don't I have to be last to be first? DANG that is hard!!!! I'm only being honest...I'm no saint and neither is anyone else. Are the saints really saints or are they just real people with real problems that had their journey written in the Bible? They didn't always do the right thing, but they loved God through it. They didn't have relationships figured out, but they tried and with humility. They were real and God chose them. We are all a part of the book of life and God is our audience...what will the reveiws sound like? When God turns the last page of my memoir of my life here on earth, will He say, "Why couldn't you do for them, what I did for you?" or will He say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant?" This is my choice after all...to choose what I want to hear from the only critic that matters. I am, after all, just another fish in the bowl desperate to see the ocean....
I actually wrote this a while ago...I found myself looking back and realizing where I was and where I am now. I still feel like all of what I said is true and real, but I'm finding myself slightly on the other side. I feel like I left out a very important part in the saga of forgiveness...you can't force it. Yes, we should do it, for all parties involved, but you can't try to make it happen too soon. You have to go through the process and forgiveness is part of the process of healing. It's the part that transforms you from the survivor to the overcomer. It's integral, but it is a process. We'll all be a victim of something, then we will survive and we will overcome. I'm still in the fish bowl and I long for the ocean, but I'm no longer desperate.
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